TTMFFTTMA 7

It was one of those things that my Father failed to tell me about, like checking that the girl you're walking with has tissues.
As I cycled in the other day a taxi went past with the following emblazoned on the side:
DNT B WSTFL
"Aaaahh" I thought, "How nice, what a lovely sentiment for the mildly depressed."
Unfortunately the next line was all about recycling, so, realising that I'd misread WSTFL for WSTFL, I became wstfl.
However, in the evening I attended an "event" at Heals (a swish furnishing shop), featuring 10% off (ha, let's talk about my salary) and a tasting of Vina Mara wines. I swilled and spat at the start but then the security guard moved me past the planters.
My tasting notes from the evening:
Cava - it's cava.
Rose - it's horrid
Rioja - s'ooright
Rioja Reserva - bit planky, as in licking a freshly sawn bit of oak, or a good kipper.
Rioja Gran Reserva - not as planky as the reserva but a bit more acidic.
Crianza - Has hints of oak, like a cudgel made of that fine wood .
White Rioja - Cor you're lovely! Sorry bit of internalisation. Alright, sort of Spanishy.
White Something Else - I'm sure it would have been fine, but I suddenly found myself in Habitat (the shop opposite) with some unusual pressure bruises round my upper arms.
Habitat had come out in opposition, first of all it wasn't invites only, secondly they had half-naked, HALF-NAKED girls in hula skirts, I seem to remember that their fizzy wine was better but that could have been the Alka-Seltzer I had later, needless to say I won't be shopping there for sometime.
So thus fuelled and inspired I left for home.
Now, I've been frequenting a lot of Turkish shops lately, lured in by the cries of,
"How much? Crikey that's cheap!"
and so have adopted a form of the Mediterranean diet (lots of herby stuff with olive oil, fresh vegetables, a lot of peppers and a bottle of Australian wine, plus an awful lot of mint tea, chiefly due to the awful lot of mint.
I had started the morning with a spot of frantic maceration and had spent most of the day deep in infusion as I'd decided to introduce a piece of tuna to salsa verde. At work, after consulting t'internet, I discovered that I needed anchovies and that I'd left out the capers. Capers I had, a small jar of Spanish nonpareille in salt. I washed them four times, they still constricted the back of the throat like the first accidental contact with the Med. In my younger days, at College, a caper was a manoeuvre in Morris Dancing, though, if you were rich and used to such things, you might know that it was the green stuff in Tatar Sauce that made it taste like peculiar salad cream, but I digress.
I decided I could pick up the anchovies from the supermarket on the way home, so fortified with Vina Maria off I went. Supermarkets seem to offer much more choice that the average Italian fishmarket, so imagine my surprise when, on arriving back home I discovered that I had failed to get just, "Anchovies "and had ended up with "Anchovies with Garlic and Herb in Olive Oil", note "Herb", singular, and even that was parsley, hardly worthy of the name "herb" in my view. Anyway the purity of my concoction was diluted by a momentary lack of concentration.
Moral: Always read your anchovies.

Important message from Nixco Human Capital Division to all Nixco Workers

Dear Minion,
It has come to our attention that some of you are worried about holiday and work parity issues after the forthcoming assessment. Please do not be worried, your holiday entitlement will not change and everyone will work a thirty five hour week, allow me to explain.
For Support Staff who currently work a thirty seven hour week, an hour will now contain 63 minutes 26 seconds, and you will work 35 of them.
Similarly, those staff who take 25 days leave will now be expected to take 25 days of 14hrs and 24 minutes.
You are asked to ignore any celestial objects that might indicate that the day/night ratio is otherwise, as these objects are temporarily outside our control.
The HC Divisiuon would like to take this opportunity to advise you of our new motto - Carpe Diem.
Sally Bratt
Commander
Human Capital Division

New Weight Loss Programme from Nixco.
Following on the success of our Cardiofasterization Programme, Nixco are proud to present :
"Spintoff"
an exercise and weight loss programme.
Step one.
Buy or otherwise obtain a serviceable bicycle.
Step two.
Ride bicycle first thing in the morning between the months of November and March.
Step three. Do not sniff.
Mucus is stuffed full of glycoconjugates, and what are the first two syllables of glycoconjugates - yes Glyco and we all know what that means - Sugar!
So by not sniffing and therefore reingesting that mucus, you are contributing to significant sugar- and therefore weight- loss.
Nixco provide a fantastic range of accessories for those on the Spintoff programme, these include the Twin-Tube Loogey Luge with volumetric backpack, for those who want to quantify their weight loss.
The Spintoff Moustache, made from a material developed by NASA for spacesuit gussetting, capable of absorbing 2550 times its weight in fluid (available in a range of colours, including "flesh" for the ladies.
And for those who wish to go "au naturel " Spintoff Mucoff detergent.

TMFFTTM6

It was another of those things that your father fails to tell you about as a boy, like checking that your underpants are in your luggage. I had set off with my companion Liz for a walk in the countryside. Liz is "clubbing fit" the sort of club that plays 170 beats-per-minute music till five o'clock in the morning, whereas I have the fitness of one of the denizens of the sort of club where elderly gentlemen with red faces and carbuncle noses, snore gently under a copy of the Times, and wheeze when their cigar is reluctant to draw. Consequently a walk with Liz consists of me staring at her receding buttocks (not as in "hairline") for a few seconds, before turning my attention to her heels, and then the patch of ground immediately in front of me. Occasionally she stops to let me catch up (and, I suspect, gloat), and point her in the right direction, before she trips off into the distance, surrounded by a pink haze. I should point out, sadly, that the haze is probably less part of her character but more some sort of catastrophic vascular event that I'm going through.
This particular day we were doing a round walk from Tring Station to Ivinghoe Beacon and were on the return leg when disaster struck. My bowels (yes them again) announced their presence by going into spasm causing me to use my outdoor skills and scan the barren ground for some sort of public convenience, or, failing that, cover. Pressure mounted, this was not going to go away. Stiff-legged, tight-arsed (no comments please) I made my way towards a narrow thicket, occasionally stopping as waves of discomfort coursed down my, soon to be less, corpulent frame. Liz watched, caught in limbo halfway between pity and hysterical laughter.
"Liz, got any tissues?"
"One - but I've used it."
What sort of girl was this? La belle dame sans tissus. Inconceivable! A woman in the countryside with almost no paper products of any kind. I accepted the tissue and found some acceptably thick Leylandii. I emerged sometime later, pale, and with only half a handkerchief. It could have been worse, the same bug had caused three solid (I use the word advisedly) days of D and V in other people.
Moral: While all women should carry tissues some of them don't.

CARDIOFASTERIZATION UPDATE

A BULLETIN FROM THE UN (ALLEGEDLY).

WORLD-RENOWNED NIXCO CARDIFASTERIZATION HAS SIGNIFICANT EFFECT ON GLOBAL WARMING.
Cardiofasterization, the essential premise of the NIXCO NATKINS diet (holding one's breath during exercise to increase the heart rate) contributes significantly to a drop in Global Warming.
By holding one's breath, one prevents GREENHOUSE GAS, CARBON DIOXIDE from being released into the atmosphere.
In fact several FORMER SOVIET REPUBLIC NATIONS now exhort their populations to hold their breaths for as long as possible to obtain Emissions Credits as specified in the KYOTO PROTOCOL.

We have been told that we should exercise for half-an-hour, five times a week."Exercise? Pah!" I hear you say, but, fear not, we at Nixco have the solution.

Yes! Our Boffins and some physiologists have been studying modern diet trends for ages, and by careful extrapolation and application, have come up with a new and exciting exercise regime for YOU, the people.

Yes! You don't have to stop slouching! Or even get off the couch! With the New Nixco Natkin's Workout.

Our Science Team at Natkins HQ have studied exercise extensively;
What does it do?
Why does it hurt?
With Natkins it's "All Gain, No Pain"

In brief: Exercise increases the "burning" (a pseudotechnical term) of energy sources in the muscles. This process normally requires Oxygen (air), and in order to get that "air" to the muscles the heart beats faster, we call this Cardiofasterization [Nixco TM]. It is this Cardiofasterization that gives exercise its benefits.

Our workout induces Hypoxic Cardiofasterization without the need bend, stretch or break sweat, simply holding your breath for two minutes twenty times a day is equivalent to Half-an-Hour's Workout in a Very Expensive Gymnasium.

So send off today for your New Nixco Natkin's Workout Book - Remember Cardiofasterization could save your life! Send £40 to the usual Nixco Address. All purchasers receive a free "I'm on the Natkin's" T-shirt (available in XXL and XXXL only)