I was just off to a student practical when the phone rang, it was the Boss;
"I've got a problem...."
He hadn't, he wasn't in.
"... there's a minus eighty freezer being delivered to Ca**u, in the Rockefeller, and the service lift is out, can you check with maintenance that they know, and can you go and reassure him."
"Where is he?"
"On the ground floor."
"OK"
I checked with maintenance - they knew.
I went over, the ground floor was devoid of freezers, delivery men and fractious Italians.
I wandered over the ground floor looking for any sort of laboratory, finally scaring the secretaries in Women's Health, who, when recovered from my presence in the hallowed halls - myself being the equivalent of a bubo in the armpit of the average mediaeval peasant, directed me back to where I'd just come from.
I consulted the front desk,
"Do you know the whereabouts of Dr Ca**u?"
A reflex reply:
"I'm just on break cover...... "
A furtle with the building list'
".....no."
"He's new."
"He's not in here."
"Can I borrow the phone?" I already knew this was hopeless, but, you know, sometimes pigs fly..... What? Oh apparently they don't!
They didn't, not only was the person I was phoning not in, but the line to the exchange didn't work.
As I was on the phone I had noticed two men with a stair-walker, the sort of men who looked like they might have recently been in charge of a minus 80. Failing to connect (women of my acquaintance, please discuss), I attempted to find the men. I followed them past the supposed defunct service lift, and emerged in the yard, I went to the gate... padlocked shut! I looked through the gate, there they were getting into the lorry, I didn't feel able to shout through the three inch slot in the gate, even I have some dignity, an eight inch gap (that's this big) maybe. I returned and reconnoitered, eventually walking round the building to approach the lorry from the public side, it would have gone - I know when I'm doomed to failure (women of my acquaintance, please discuss). Bugger me! It was still there - feckless oafs! -
Small scratch at door of lorry,
"Hello lads, umm have you just delivered a minus eighty?"
"Yeah."
"Oh! Umm, where?"
"Third floor, took it up in the lift, for this bloke Ghul summat."
"Julio" ( I of course report in the frenetic, fournetic, whatever.... phonetic).
"Read that - him."
"Oh brilliant, where is he?"
"Third floor, on the left out of the lift."
"The service lift?"
"Nah, that's knackered, we took it up in the passenger lift."
"!" - several decakilopounds Sterling of baroque refurbishment at risk.
"533 I think."
"Ta!" You see how my chameleon personality slips easily into the vernacular?
I arrive on the 5th floor and turn left, missing 533, I open the door that says "Freezer Room", in front of me there are a bank of minus 80's, to my left are two young women fishing in a liquid nitrogen freezer. I back out and return, suddenly, there is 533! I open the door, now, in front of me, there are two young women fishing in a liquid nitrogen freezer! I look to the right, the freezers wave back.
"Hi! Do you know Dr Ca**u?" The last mumbled, as I have no idea if he is Ca**oo, Ca**o, or Ca**u.
"Sure, come with me" all with the Italian rising inflection, at this point I realise that they are Italian, stylish, girls, and that my shoes could do with a polish, and an upgrade from functional to senseless.
"Gulio!" I'm not phonetic anymore.
"Oh Hi Doctor Ca**mumble, I'm Nick Hayes, just checking up that everything was ok?"
He is sympatico (it's catching), we chat about the building, how it's not fit for purpose, how it could be better, how he's happy to be here though, how it's very small, how old it is (me), how none of the floors are level, how it might be falling into the Cancer Institute foundations next door (me), how lovely the Cancer Institute is, as a purpose built laboratory building as opposed to this (by extension) festering pile of cheap refurbishment, we had to bring stuff in through the Cancer Institute it's lovely, this used to be the Medical School (me), you should have a look at the Cruciform next door, it's quite interesting (me), Yes, I intend to explore when I have all my equipment horizontal... in four months time.
"What is your name and phone number so I know how to reach you?"
"Oh shi.....!"
