Nixco Guide to the Rules of Offroad Cycling.

1.Be at One with the Countryside - at some point it will be at one with you.

2. To every up there is a down - allegedly.

3. Nettles or gorse - it's your choice.

4. Nettles, gorse or barbed wire - see 3.

5. Get some Botany in your bonce. Brushing aside the delicate hanging fronds of the weeping willow (Salix babylonica) as you flash past is one thing, trying it with a hawthorn (Crataegus monogyna) is something else (and usually less successful).

6. Gravel can be both your friend and your foe. At some point in any journey you will encounter gravel, at this point it is your foe. Regardless of which direction the front wheel of your bicycle is pointing, gravel will impel the bicycle on a straight course (and I don't want to hear anything from purists about weight distribution, I can assure you that my weight has been distributed all over the bicycle and I've still gone in a straight line), which may result with you becoming at One with the Countryside (AOWC). It is at this point that gravel can be your friend, imparting a degree of cushioning upon impact.

7. Grit is no-one's friend, it is merely used for packing wounds - involuntarily.

8. Both 6 and 7 possess the ability to metamorphose into Mud upon being exposed to any degree of water, even a slight increase in humidity will do. The cyclist can do no better than to get some Pedometry in their Psyche. A working knowledge of different soil types is essential for the offroad cyclist, the difference between the clayey loam of Bedfordshire and the sandy loam of Norfolk being about carrying the cycle.

9. Grass, can ameliorate the spine-shattering nature of a lot of offroad routes BUT it is also a high friction material, slowing down your passage till it doesn't. It also hides - dog crap (see knobbly tyres, later).

10. Tarmac may come as a welcome relief but not when it's an M4 relief road. It provides interest as it enables you to study the relative population densities of local fauna.

11. 4WD drivers are scum. Every byway is turned into a deeply rutted track, these ruts are deeper then your pedals but not as wide, this causes catastrophic halting and immediate AOWC. Sometimes there is a "path" between the ruts but this will degenerate to a 10cm wide track bounded by two mud-filled ponds of approximately one metre depth. Bicycles also leave ruts, these are 15cm wide and 15cm deep - once committed you are in them to the end or until you become AOWC.

12. Front bags with a transparent bit you can look at a map through are fine, never put anything heavy in them though. A heavy item causes the front wheel to become possessed, developing its own form of simple harmonic motion and indulging in a bit of novelty steering.

13. Some form of ambidextricity (eh?) is essential. On the side of a steep hill, trying to get off the downhill side of the bike causes immediate AOWC and makes the downhill side become the uphill side, this hurts.

14. Similarly, there will be times when one is starting off in low gear, this may have involved 13 (above), a halt on an up, or "pushing" after a halt on an up. Be astride the cycle rather than trying the "scoot and legover" approach, as the cycle may have stopped or, indeed, be going backwards, by the time your feet contact the pedals.

15. Dress. Get some couture in your cranium. Padded lower garments may look like they contain incontinence pads but over distance they become essential. Short or long, your choice, but consider this, off the beaten track nettles and brambles proliferate, about one centimetre off the beaten track to be precise. Gentlemen, don't get your shorts too tight as under pressure various bits off your anatomy may slide disconcertingly across the gusset as you raise and lower your feet on the pedals.(Too much information, stop this immediately! Ed).