The Editors would like to apologise for the somewhat conflicted nature of the following, the copy only arrived thirty minutes ahead of the printing schedule.


Old Nick's Almanac - a guide to love and fortune for 2010.

Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
New Year resolutions are really hard to keep up, though Capricorns with your stubborn pigheadedness are better at succeeding than others. Gosh I hate Capricorns, always moaning about the right way to do things, not one spark of wit or vitality.

Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
The water bearer, well, that just about sums up my resolution, let the good times roll, my arse. I hate Aquarians, always holier than thou, and we all know what WC Fields said about water....

Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Well how apt, here we are talking about fish and along come a pair. The fact that they're swimming in opposite directions is supposed to symbolise internal conflict. I hate Pisces they haven't got a clue about conflict, try being an astrologer, that's conflict.

Aries
March 21 - April 19
Look, it's a science it's got tables and everything, I have to do maths! And then what do they want, they all follow like sheep and just want you to say, "You'll have a lovely time" . Aries (how I hate you, you woolly-headed addle-pated, weak-willed...it beggars belief) you'll have a lovely time.

Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Then what happens, they go and discover more planets, they dump Pluto, what am I supposed to do? A lot of scientists are Taureans, with their desire for recognition, probably bloody astronomers, I hate astronomers even so I'm sure they'll have a lovely time making my life a misery. It's enough to drive one back to drink.

Gemini
May 21 - June 20
Twins, why is there never a pair of compliant twins when you need them? Well Gemini, you're supposed to be multi-talented, well bully for you, here's me working like a slave to produce, "you'll have a lovely time" and Gemini can turn their hand to anything, lucky, bloody Gemini.

Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Precisely, that's what you are, the lot of you, I hate you.

Leo
July 23 - August 22
The Lion, I mean why aren't you "up" in March, y'know, "in like a lion out like a lamb". Bloody Greeks, why can't they make it simple, I mean, when I started I was told there were only four elements and now there's six, with this bleeding Phlogiston and Aether, what's that all about? Whaddya mean a hundred and nine!

Virgo
August 23 - September 22
The Sun is in Virgo at the moment so I can't see a bloody thing. Look, if anything did happen you wouldn't be a Virgo any more. I give up, sod the resolution, I'm off to the pub.

Libra
September 23 - October 22
Well-balanced? WELL-BALANCED! This gin and tonic is well-balanced, if Libra were well-balanced they wouldn't be reading this tosh would they? I hate well-balanced people. Landlord, LANDLORD!

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Who's a Scorpio? C'mon the law of odds says one of you is. You, you, I hate you, I hate all Scorpios, they're all creeps, hiding under rocks and then blindsiding you when you least expect it. Come on then! Come on! Ow!

Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
I used to like the Archers until it got all modern, yeah you too? You're my best mate you are, you are, you are, I love you.