ADVERT

With current Government criticism of Carbon offset schemes ("You fly, we dig up a peat bog in Scotland and plant a tree." sort of thing) Nixco is proud to announce its Genuine Offset Scheme, GOSH.

GOSH covers you for life, not just one trip.

How does it work?

In the world today there are many people facing problems, many who feel they can no longer cope, many who wish the world would just stop so that they can get off. Our team of gifted counsellors seek out these people and ask them to join our Time-Out Scheme offering them peace of mind in return for the cessation of corporal function. So no more exhaling eco-dangerous Carbon Dioxide for them and an eco-enriched conscience for you!

Flick through the catalogue and decide which of these Unfortunates you would like to adopt as your Carbon Buddy. You will then be sent a Death Certificate to inform you of their progress, together with the actuarial report on how many years guilt-free travelling and squandering you have purchased. This, of course, will vary with the age of your Carbon Buddy. Not enough, simply adopt another!

Also available: An active Corporate scheme for the Business Industry. Our team of experts will work carry out a Carbon Footprint Audit of your business, recalculate this into Person Units (PU's) and, after sufficient remuneration, harvest the PU's in an "Area of Active Conflict".

And how about this Executive Deal !!

Money no object but conscience pricking? Other firms stealing your share of the Market? Yes? Then you need the Positive Offset Scheme !

Simply nominate one (or some) of your rivals and our team of ex- KGB and Stasi will harvest them for you. Our team are expert craftsmen, no mess, no comeback and no evidence, GUARANTEED!

Wipe out the competition at a stroke (or heart attack or cerebral haemorrhage).